"We are not meant to be seen as God's perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary lives exhibiting the miracle of His grace."
Oswald Chambers
In 2012 the year began on a bright note, full of promise and all things new. I found this little jewel of a quote by Oswald Chambers and God planted a seed in my heart that my life was to exhibit His grace. And then..."stuff" happened.
First one moment, then another, and another, and another. Each moment stealing a bit more of me, or who I thought I was, and all I thought to be true. Each moment that will forever be etched on my memory. Each moment revealing to me more and more the reality of Phil 3: 10-11, "And this, so that I may know Him [experientially, becoming more thoroughly acquainted with Him, understanding the remarkable wonders of His Person more completely] and [in that same way experience] the power of His resurrection [which overflows and is active in believers], and [that I may share] the fellowship of His sufferings, by being continually conformed [inwardly into His likeness even] to His death [dying as He did], so that I may attain the resurrection [that will raise me] from the dead." The reality that this life is not mine. The reality that only God and I truly know the depths of the work He is doing in my heart as He allows me to walk through life hand in hand with Him, all to become the "everyday essence of ordinary...exhibiting the miracle of His grace."
Triggers....after multiple years of healing and growth, I again was reminded how deeply some trauma's pierce. Maybe this was from the Lord; to keep me humble, to remind me I am but dust, and fear will always rear its ugly head until I cross over to heaven. Maybe this was from Satan; to trip me up, to entice me to sin, to cause a rift. Whatever the reason, I succumbed. The all too familiar anxiety rose from the tips of my toes straight up to spill out of my eyes as I quickly turned and walked away as normally as I could.
Triggers don't always happen in places we can fall to pieces. Tears aren't always meant to be spilled in public. Yet I found myself on the brink of no return. "Distraction, I must have distraction," I said to myself as my mind threw pictures of memories I have tried so hard to erase. Music is an escape for me, so I opened my music app, started the music playing just loud enough I could hear it and began to breath in sweet melodies to calm my spirit. I could feel my body switch out of fight or flight and back to rest and restore. I took a deep breath attempting to re-oxygenate the cells that were ready to run and hide to escape reality. Then I poured myself into the task at hand.
Distraction is a gift for the moment. My body and mind wants to run far away where no one knows me. Where no one knows what a mess I truly am. Where I can be whomever I want to be without the demons of the past rearing their ugly head and reminding me of the wake of hurt that billows from the dust of my feet. Yet, the triggers would still remain. The people and circumstances would be different, yes. However, trauma leaves a deep scar that sometimes oozes and bleeds. It sometimes scabs over quickly, but other times it feels as though a hemorrhage will occur. Even if I did move to a new place and start over again, the damage from trauma remains. It's like an unwelcome visitor, always waiting to rise up and remind me how badly I have hurt, how much has been stolen, that what you see isn't always what you get.
And yet the Holy Spirit whispers, "I've got you! I love you! I see you! I catch every tear that falls and bottle them! I sing over you! You are mine!" And His sweet grace and mercy roll over me like billows. "Get up, dust off your knees, wipe the tears from your ears, and put one foot in front of the other," I hear Him say. He longs to be my joy, to fill my life with purposes only He has yet to know. I'm trying my best to partner with Him through the fear, the pain, the unknown of life.
"I won't play that game again," I proclaim and yet the Holy Spirit quietly reminds me I am His and He has called me to this life, this season, even this trigger that reminds me so clearly how quickly a day can turn dark. I can be surrounded by sunlight and be chilled to the bone with the dark of a moment.
The hardest thing with triggers is that others don't understand. It was just ...(fill in the blank with the trigger), it means nothing. Possibly true... until it doesn't. I know that is a negative thought, but I've been there, done that. It's when the triggers hit hard and threaten to undo me, that I need some God with skin. To remind me that grace is my keeper, that I will be ok, that I am not crazy.
And God in His infinite wisdom and mercy leads me to Zephaniah 3:16-17 "On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem,'Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak. The Lord your God is in the midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing." He still has me tucked under His wing. Though the storms rage around me, the uncertainty of life and future loom, He shelters me from the spray of the storm and speaks peace to my soul.
