Triggers

"We are not meant to be seen as God's perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary lives exhibiting the miracle of His grace."

Oswald Chambers

In 2012 the year began on a bright note, full of promise and all things new.  I found this little jewel of a quote by Oswald Chambers and God planted a seed in my heart that my life was to exhibit His grace.  And then..."stuff" happened.  

First one moment, then another, and another, and another.  Each moment stealing a bit more of me, or who I thought I was,  and all I thought to be true.  Each moment that will forever be etched on my memory.  Each moment revealing to me more and more the reality of Phil 3: 10-11, "And this, so that I may know Him [experientially, becoming more thoroughly acquainted with Him, understanding the remarkable wonders of His Person more completely] and [in that same way experience] the power of His resurrection [which overflows and is active in believers], and [that I may share] the fellowship of His sufferings, by being continually conformed [inwardly into His likeness even] to His death [dying as He did], so that I may attain the resurrection [that will raise me] from the dead."  The reality that this life is not mine.  The reality that only God and I truly know the depths of the work He is doing in my heart as He allows me to walk through life hand in hand with Him, all to become the "everyday essence of ordinary...exhibiting the miracle of His grace."  

Triggers....after multiple years of healing and growth, I again was reminded how deeply some trauma's pierce.  Maybe this was from the Lord; to keep me humble, to remind me I am but dust, and fear will always rear its ugly head until I cross over to heaven.  Maybe this was from Satan; to trip me up, to entice me to sin, to cause a rift.  Whatever the reason, I succumbed.  The all too familiar anxiety rose from the tips of my toes straight up to spill out of my eyes as I quickly turned and walked away as normally as I could.  

Triggers don't always happen in places we can fall to pieces.  Tears aren't always meant to be spilled in public.  Yet I found myself on the brink of no return.  "Distraction, I must have distraction," I said to myself as my mind threw pictures of memories I have tried so hard to erase.  Music is an escape for me, so I opened my music app, started the music playing just loud enough I could hear it and began to breath in sweet melodies to calm my spirit.  I could feel my body switch out of fight or flight and back to rest and restore.  I took a deep breath attempting to re-oxygenate the cells that were ready to run and hide to escape reality.  Then I poured myself into the task at hand.  

Distraction is a gift for the moment.  My body and mind wants to run far away where no one knows me.  Where no one knows what a mess I truly am.  Where I can be whomever I want to be without the demons of the past rearing their ugly head and reminding me of the wake of hurt that billows from the dust of my feet.  Yet, the triggers would still remain.  The people and circumstances would be different, yes.  However, trauma leaves a deep scar that sometimes oozes and bleeds.  It sometimes scabs over quickly, but other times it feels as though a hemorrhage will occur.  Even if I did move to a new place and start over again, the damage from trauma remains.  It's like an unwelcome visitor, always waiting to rise up and remind me how badly I have hurt, how much has been stolen, that what you see isn't always what you get. 

 And yet the Holy Spirit whispers, "I've got you!  I love you!  I see you!  I catch every tear that falls and bottle them!  I sing over you!  You are mine!"  And His sweet grace and mercy roll over me like billows.  "Get up, dust off your knees, wipe the tears from your ears, and put one foot in front of the other," I hear Him say.  He longs to be my joy, to fill my life with purposes only He has yet to know.  I'm trying my best to partner with Him through the fear, the pain, the unknown of life.  

"I won't play that game again," I proclaim and yet the Holy Spirit quietly reminds me I am His and He has called me to this life, this season, even this trigger that reminds me so clearly how quickly a day can turn dark.  I can be surrounded by sunlight and be chilled to the bone with the dark of a moment.  

The hardest thing with triggers is that others don't understand.  It was just ...(fill in the blank with the trigger), it means nothing.  Possibly true... until it doesn't.  I know that is a negative thought, but I've been there, done that.  It's when the triggers hit hard and threaten to undo me, that I need some God with skin.  To remind me that grace is my keeper, that I will be ok, that I am not crazy.  

And God in His infinite wisdom and mercy leads me to Zephaniah 3:16-17 "On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem,'Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak.  The Lord your God is in the midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing."  He still has me tucked under His wing.  Though the storms rage around me, the uncertainty of life and future loom, He shelters me from the spray of the storm and speaks peace to my soul.  

Casting Out

Casting Out

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

My grandpa was a fisherman.  From my youngest memories, fishing with him and my grandmother are first in my mind.  We would pack up the "just for fishing car" (an old seagreen Falcon that reeked of fish), go out on his boat, or drive to the riverbank, and begin to fish.  My grandparents could spend an entire day fishing and waiting; waiting for the fish to bite, the big one, to fulfill their limit for the day.  I am still amazed at their propensity to sit and wait. 

All of those years of tagging along for days of fishing did not turn me into a fisherman.  I have trouble sitting and waiting.  I need to be doing, going, moving, chatting, yet when you are a true fisherman, you patiently wait, quietly.  Chit-chat has to be kept to a minimum as to not “scare the fish away” or so I was told.  I'm not quite sure how much truth is in that statement.  I wonder if this was their way of politely telling me to stop talking.

As I sat this morning spending my time with the Lord, this verse came to mind: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7  I have been asking the Lord to reveal to me what letting go/laying down/casting/throwing really practically looks like, walked out in day to day life.  Through several trying events in the past few years, I have had well meaning friends tell me, “You just need to let that go.”  Practically, what does that look like?  To let go of the anxiety, the hurt, the pain, the negativity, the brokenness, the judgment, the discouragement, the fear and just focus on healing and Him.  Immediately when I saw this verse, a word picture began to form in my mind. 

When you want to catch a fish, you can’t keep your rod and reel in the car, on the shore, or in the boat. You must bait the hook and cast it out.  You may have the hook baited with the perfect lure to get that prize catch, but it does no good until you cast it out, let go of the bait, and throw it out.  So as a fisherman, you rear back and cast, allowing the baited lure to sink; out of sight, into the darkness and the unknown, to wait and trust that the prized catch will soon bite and can be reeled in and celebrated.  Now, apply this to any area of life where stress has overtaken, worry or fear is conquering, anxiety is present.  Christ wants us to cast out that care, that burden, that worry, that stressor, that anxiety.  Bait the hook, per say, and toss it out there, allowing Him to work, patiently waiting.  We may do pretty well at times, handing those things over, letting go, casting them upon Him, but how many times do we reel them back in to check the hook?     Is the bait, aka issue,  still there?  Why isn’t this fixed?  How long must I wait?

It’s very difficult to cast our cares onto Him.  We want immediate outcomes, we want the situation fixed, the relationship healed, the physical ailment gone, the emotional roller coaster to be over, the wayward child to be back home, the financial issue to be solved, or whatever the case may be.  Yet, in my experience it has been in the waiting that I find the true catch, the treasure of  a deeper walk with Him.  The discovery of more of Who He is, more of His character.  A discovery of what He truly wants from my life as I daily seek to walk this life with Him, to be the person He truly created me to be.  

God is so patiently teaching me to wait.  Cast and wait.  What I've discovered is very often, my idea of the "big catch" is ultimately found in the surrender, as He changes my perspective of what the "fish" should look like.  

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved.

In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Ps 62:5-8

Am I Willing?

I am writing this post while in a melancholy, retrospective mood.  Thus, I will begin with a disclaimer.
This post is in no way implicating, condemning, demeaning, criticizing, or meant in any way, shape, or form to cause anyone who happens to read the information contained in said post to feel any of the above emotions (or any others I failed to include).  I am writing this for my own retrospection so I will never forget what it truly means to be a friend.

 So now, let me share what I have learned about being a friend, especially during a crisis.

The past few years have been ones of walking through crisis for me.  I do not use the word crisis lightly, even though I do tend to be a bit dramatic at times.  When we are told in Galations 6:2 to "Bear one anothers burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.", the Greek word for burden has the meaning of "excess burdens, boulders, crisis, and tragedy."  People go through many different types of crisis during a life time.  If you happen to be one who has never been through a crisis, may you be building friendships for when that crisis does happen.   During and following a crisis period, many emotions ensue.  They run the gamut from anger, hurt, shock, pain (sometimes physical, sometimes emotional and mental), guilt, disbelief to hysterical crying and equally hysterical laughing, etc.  At the beginning of my crisis, I thought my heart was going to pound straight out of my chest.  I was sad and angry, I was hurt, I was shocked, I was hysterically crying, I was in disbelief, I was numb.  The numbness was heavy.  The numbness permeated every cell of my being.  My numbness was shared by a friend, and another, and another.

 Now, what makes this handful of friends true friends?  They were willing to get into the yuck of my crisis with me.  They were "God with skin on" to me.  They sat in the floor with me and we cried together, they held me as I cried, they called to check on me and when I couldn't talk through the tears they showed up at my house to make sure I was going to make it through that night, they gave up their personal time to stand beside me during the hardest and darkest hours, they listened as I asked questions they didn't have answers to and they didn't try to answer them, they made me eat when I didn't want to eat, they did everything they could to lighten the load for me.  They opened their home to me, they helped with my children, they brought me meals, they cleaned for me, they reassured me of the promises of Christ that I most needed,  but the most important thing they did was listen and walk through the yuck of the crisis. I knew and still know that any one of this handful of friends would be there in the blink of an eye for me.

Walking through someone else's yuck is not what I would describe as fun.  It causes you to open yourself up,  to be vulnerable, to most likely be out of your comfort zone, to not be able to fix the crisis.  I have been given the opportunity (yes, opportunity) to walk through different peoples yuck with them and sadly, I have failed some of them.  Some yuck is just too, well, yucky.  Maybe it brings to the surface things you would rather let lie dormant, maybe it isn't convenient (are there any crisis that are?), maybe it is too embarrassing, maybe it is too painful, too close to home, too real to get involved in.  Sometimes you become part of someones yuck by divine intervention.  Why did God put that handful of people in my life to walk through my yuck with me?  Why did God allow me to walk through so and so's yuck with them?  Whatever the reason, I am grateful for the experience of walking through someone else's yuck and for being the recipient of someone investing in me during my yuck.

When you walk through a crisis with someone, a bond is formed; a bond of knowing, a bond of pain, a bond of joy, a bond unlike any other that can develop on earth.   In one book I read during these past years, the people willing to go through the yuck of the writers crisis were referred to as "stretcher bearers".  I like to refer to the handful who were willing to go through my yuck as "God with skin on".  These friends were and are loyal, trustworthy, sincere, devoted, kind, patient, giving, loving, honest, available, encouraging.  They did not try to fix the crisis because honestly, some crisis in life only Christ can fix. They did not give me a Bible or quote Scripture to me and tell me to trust God more.  They did not betray my trust by sharing my crisis with others.  They did not demand I be "normal" but gave me room to grieve.  They protected me when I was in situations that were precariously dangerous.  They helped me fix my makeup when I fell apart in public.  They were patient when I couldn't seem to make it over the next hurdle.  They truly displayed Christ to me in many ways.

Some things that I have learned through being on the owners end of the yuck of a crisis are: some days are good and some days are not so good, a crisis doesn't just magically vanish and become fixed as quickly as it came to being, tears surprise you at the most inopportune times, grief is unpredictable, life doesn't stop because you are in a crisis, God's grace is sufficient!

I have learned some things NOT to do when walking through someones crisis with them: do NOT share their crisis as a prayer request, pretend everything is normal and walk around the monster in the room, tell them you noticed a change but thought they were upset with you, tell them you didn't want to bother them by asking how they were doing, give them good Christian answers or quote Romans 8:28 to them, try to fix their crisis by saying "if it were me I would ...", ask them why they can't just move on and forget about said crisis.

Being willing to walk through the yuck of a crisis with someone takes an investment in that person in many ways.  Am I willing to walk through the yuck with someone?  I hope I don't miss an opportunity to be "God with skin on" to someone.  I would never be on the back side of the yuck of my crisis without that special handful of friends who I am forever grateful to.  Thank you friends!

Lessons Learned

Anniversaries turn into years.
Years of pain.
Years of laughter.
Years of discovery.
Years of learning.
Years of growing.
Years.

Anniversary's are supposed to be joyous celebrations, yet my life contains some anniversary's that bring anxiety, heaviness, and gratefulness at God's goodness, grace, and blessings.  Those descriptions don't seem to go together, yet walking through this life has proven to be one of continual discovery at seeking the blessings in the dark spots; otherwise bitterness would ensue and Satan would win.

I have learned many lessons in these past years. Here are just a few of the more profound lessons I have been blessed to learn.
God has shown me that in my weakness, He truly is strong.
My shoulders are bigger than I thought they were, when I allow God to carry the load.
Fear and low self-esteem are my nemesis.
Anxiety and panic attacks are NOT fun to endure.
Friends, true friends, are not to be taken for granted.
Grief is exhausting and surprising at the same time.
Betrayal, regardless of the form it takes, is horrible to endure.
Christ is the only one who promises to never leave or forsake and He alone keeps His promises.
Satan is more powerful than we truly give him credit for, but Christ has won the victory in the end. Praise Him!
I have found that my faith is much deeper than I ever imagined and yet so lacking at the same time. Trust isn't easily regained.
All counselors are not alike.
Good teaching, taken out of balance, leads to becoming an enabler to someone else.  I wanted to do things so right, that I ended up doing them all wrong.  I allowed myself to get lost in what I thought was being a good, submissive person, friend, wife, mom, etc.  However, I had taken it to the umpteenth degree and enabled others to abuse me, disrespect me, dishonor me, devalue me. Boundaries are priceless.
The most important discovery is this:  My worth, my value, isn't found in a person, a job, an activity, a hobby, a title; my worth is found because of who I am because of Christ Jesus living inside me.
I can survive.
I am loved.
I am His!

Spur of the Moment Vegetable Soup

With cooler days upon us, and the business of football season, soups that I can throw together and leave in the crock-pot are my go to for our evening meals. 

 This soup is my absolute favorite vegetable soup in the world! 

 My dear mother-in-law used to make this quite often, and a simmering pot of this vegetable soup brings back many wonderful memories of her!  

She was an amazing cook!  Her family owned a restaurant, so she was princess of tasty home cooking (her mom was queen)!  Their diner was called "The Nifty" and was quite a hit in their small home town.  I cannot recall ever tasting anything she prepared that was not scrumptious!  I am so blessed to have learned many cooking tips from her!  This soup is the last meal she ever cooked.  My hubster and boys were blessed to enjoy the savory, satisfying lunch with her and my father-in-law. 

 I hope you enjoy this recipe and it becomes a go to for your family!

Sorry for the picture quality. Maybe you get the  gist of what it looks like.  We always eat  this soup with peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat bread.  Very yummy!!!

Spur of the Moment Vegetable Soup

1 c diced carrots
3 stalks diced celery (use the leaves for an awesome flavor addition)
1 lg onion diced
3 potatoes- cubed
1 can peas with juice
1 can green beans
1 can diced tomatoes
1/4 c (+ or -) bacon grease
2 c beef broth
salt and pepper to taste

In a large pot, bring beef broth to a boil.  Add the carrots, celery, and onion.  Boil until tender.  Add remaining ingredients and simmer.  The longer you simmer, the tastier this soup becomes.
For the crock-pot, add all ingredients together.  Turn on low and simmer 4-6 hours.  You may have to add more beef broth, especially if you like more broth in your soup.

You can add alphabet pasta to this soup to add more texture and substance.  I also add corn if I have it on hand.  The sky is the limit!  This is a quick, healthy meal that is truly satisfying!

Enjoy!

Deliciousness

Do you love Pinterest?  I absolutely could waste hours exploring that site! 

Anyway, this week I found a picture of these delicious looking breakfast goodies.  I didn't bother to look at the recipe posted because really, how difficult can an omelet wrapped in bacon be?  

We tried these out, creating a recipe as we went.  They turned out wonderful!

Step 1: Wrap a slice of bacon in a muffin pan.  I used a stone (it is clean, just "seasoned") so there was no need to grease it.  If I were using a regular muffin pan, I would definitely grease it first.

Step two: Beat 8 eggs and 1/4 cup of milk in a bowl.  Add salt, pepper,  your choice of shredded cheese, minced onion, and anything else you enjoy in a normal omelet.

Step four:  Pour beaten eggs into bacon wrapped muffin pan.  Fill 2/3 full .  

Step 5: Bake at 400* for 20 minutes.  If using a regular muffin tin, decrease baking time by approximately 5 minutes.  Stones take a bit longer to bake. :)

Step 6: Remove from muffin tin immediately and serve.  This made one dozen  and only two of my boys  got to try them.  They had them eaten by the end of the day!  By the way, they re-warmed very well!

Happy cooking!  

Laundry Woes...sssssss

Ok, so I am trying to be thankful in everything, but I am having a bit of trouble with this one.

After a weekend away, hubster and I came home to find the timer on the washing machine had broken. Ok, no biggie, a bit inconvenient, but fixable. Hubster has spent the week looking for the best prices for a timer and last night hooked the broken timer back up so we can do a bit of laundry. We just set a timer to remind ourselves to go manually move the broken washer timer.

Today, after 2 days of doing no laundry, the boys and I get the laundry dumped and sorted and a load started. As I am waiting to turn the knob on the washer, I begin straightening the area around the washer and dryer. ( My "laundry room" is in our unfinished basement. )

As I was straightening the dryer, emptying the lint trap, etc. something above caught my eye. I like to call this a prompting from the Holy Spirit.

Look closely between the dryer vent and the cabinet.

And again extending over the top of the cabinet between the dryer vent and cabinet.

Yes, you are seeing correctly....it is a ginormous snake skin!!!

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am out of here! No more laundry for me and I am very close to sticking a for sale sign in my front yard! Snakes terrify me. I don't have just a small fear of snakes, I am deathly afraid of them, so it is surprising I am even able to post this blog!

My day was all planned to catch up the laundry, and straighten the basement in the process. Well, not so much now!

Hubster and Ashton will be snake hunting tonight. Hopefully they find the monster that is evilly lurking in the dark recesses of my basement, or possibly curled up in all the dirty laundry.

Anyone have a great home remedy for catching snakes? Or want to volunteer their time to come on the Great Snake Hunt of 2012?

Pray we find the snake quickly and are able to extinguish the evil that is lurking in the house!

Today I am choosing to be thankful that I don't have to do any laundry! :) God must have a greater assignment for me.